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Capital Yobbos Worried about Canine Takeover
Sheila Fuckberry / CNN, Kyiv, Ukraine

In a joint declaration released to the press on Sunday evening, Kyiv Yobbos Labour Union (KYL-U) have stated that they are "in the nature extremely worried" about skyrocketing influence of their quadruped friends. The declaration came shortly after a man was apparently torn by a gang of dogs, prompting swift reaction of the media and a flaming discussion of the matter in the House of Livejournal Commons.

Our correspondent met Misha, Chief Financial Officer of the KYL-U, who was so much in the hurry for the press conference he forgot to took his barsetka. "We are appalled by the fact that the dogs attacked the gentleman within our neighbourhood. It is a crying shame since it is our job to do and they are taking it from us. We were worried about immigrants taking our jobs earlier but the present phenomenon is new to us. If the dogs learn at least 300 Ukrainian words and how to use a cellphone, this might mean an end to our class and culture since we might not withstand a competitive camp like that. We therefore address the Prime Minister, the President, and the bloody IMF with an appeal to do something. We would also like to emphasise that the presence of dogs constitutes a threat to Euro'2012 football championship which is what we all are looking for since lots of tourists will bring their iPhones with them. They don't want their precious devices gnawed by some horizontal creatures instead of handing them over into the hands of proper fellas like us.

Kyiv Yobbos Labour Union would like to remind y'all that we have stood firmly in our position to guard the homeland statehood, as declared in our tribal song, W nas na rayone. We cherish our jobs and thank our suppliers for regular and generous contributions to our equipment fleets. We are one family now, standing firmly in the face of a looming danger.

We also would like to honour those who question our stance and in fact regard us yobbos and our values as "a complicated question", nay even like a "problem", with a remark, as follows: You might not know, you bunch of wankers, where these problems come from in this country but we do. The dogs are the biggest threat to the national sovereignty and the main obstacle on our way to Common European House where there are even more iPhones. We shall fight back against this canine aggression and defend our niche from these fascist quadrupes. We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight in the oceans, we shall fight on the ground. We shall never surrender!"

Mr Misha conveniently completed his speech when all of a sudden, out of the blue, a police car was seen approaching, prompting the members of the union to adjourn the gathering and retire in some shithole between the blocks. No further events followed but the atmosphere appears to remain tense. A spokesman for the Canine Emancipation League, Mr Brovko, has summoned a countering press conference, to be held tomorrow in Kyiv Canine IT Centre, Directorate of Central Obolon, at 3:00pm GMT+2. He will almost certainly voice opinions differing from those of the competing camp. To be continued...

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